Amazon Web Services and regional utility providers issued revised forward guidance on Tuesday, assuring shareholders that Ohio residents furious about surging electricity costs have zero intention of letting that anger influence their ballots.
Shares of AEP Ohio surged to a 52-week high following polling data that confirmed suburban Columbus residents will absorb unlimited rate hikes without punishing the lawmakers who approved the data center expansion. Utility executives told investors that this "decoupling" of consumer rage from electoral consequence provides a perfectly de-risked environment to build out a dozen new hyperscale AI server farms across the state.
It is incredibly reassuring to know a ratepayer can open a $400 monthly electric bill, scream into a pillow about our grid strain, and then dutifully re-elect the exact zoning board that gave us a 30-year tax abatement.
Analysts at Goldman Sachs quickly upgraded the region's tech-infrastructure outlook, explicitly praising the "Ohio Model" in a morning note to clients. The analysts highlighted that while 78 percent of voters in Licking County expressed extreme frustration that their residential grid is being drained to train large language models, the vast majority planned to cast their votes based on who promised to ban the correct library books.
Microsoft concluded its quarterly earnings call by announcing it will break ground on a 3-gigawatt server cooling facility in the state next month, noting they are fully confident local residents will blame the resulting rolling brownouts on a distant offshore wind farm.