The investment bank issued a firm-wide memo clarifying that berating a desk-mate for their spiritual beliefs is a personal activity that must not impact morning deliverables.
Goldman Sachs has formally reclassified a fixed-income analyst’s escalating meltdown over a desk-mate's religious beliefs as an unapproved side hustle, warning the employee that his theological hostility is weighing heavily on third-quarter productivity.
The investment bank issued the internal memo Tuesday after management noticed the 28-year-old associate was spending significant portions of the morning session aggressively interrogating a colleague's eternal salvation. According to the filing, HR has instructed the employee that while the firm supports a ruthless, highly critical culture, losing his mind over someone else's faith does not count toward weekly performance metrics.
The targeted coworker, a junior analyst on the mergers and acquisitions desk, reportedly flagged the issue to management not out of concern for his own well-being, but because the constant theological sermons were delaying a pitch deck for an upcoming telecom buyout. Bank leadership quickly aligned with the victim, noting that religious intolerance is strictly forbidden during core trading hours because it offers no actionable return on shareholder value.
We take absolutely no position on which of our employees is going to hell, provided their earthly deliverables are submitted prior to the print.
The memo clarified that any future religious harassment must be strictly cordoned into the analyst's allotted 15-minute afternoon coffee window. Croft noted that if the employee wishes to continue obsessing over ancient, punitive texts and impending doom, he is welcome to transfer to the firm's macroeconomic forecasting division.
Separately, the bank updated the status of a newly hired vice president who recently returned to the corporate workforce after two decades of self-employment. Management confirmed the woman is adjusting smoothly to the open-plan seating arrangement, having only hissed at two compliance officers since being coaxed into a glass conference room with a catered lunch wrap.
At press time, the desk manager confirmed the analyst had agreed to scale back his spiritual bigotry, pivoting instead to a quiet, passive-aggressive Slack campaign that compliance has already cleared as standard business practice.