Novartis stock rises on AI trained to instantly dismiss women's menopause symptoms

Right now, a woman might spend three years and thousands of out-of-pocket dollars just to have a series of highly trained specialists tell her she is stressed out. With our large language model, we can deliver that exact same lack of care in milliseconds, freeing up physicians to focus on acute male pattern baldness.

To ensure regulatory compliance, the underlying neural network was trained on more than four million real patient charts, allowing the software to perfectly replicate the bedside manner of a senior attending physician deciding a woman's heart palpitations are just anxiety. Analysts at Jefferies praised the product's gross margins in a morning note, pointing out that offloading systemic medical misogyny to the cloud drastically reduces the physical overhead of operating waiting rooms.

Shares of Novartis closed up two percent in Zurich trading following the presentation, driven by investor enthusiasm for a planned software update that will automatically blame any reported bone-density loss on a patient's menstrual cycle, even if she has not had one in a decade.