The Australian Prime Minister opened the COP31 preparatory summit by assuring sinking island nations that their desperate warnings of ecological collapse would reach the absolute bare minimum of legally required international delegates.
Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese opened the COP31 preparatory summit on Monday by assuring sinking island nations that their desperate pleas for survival will be heard by up to two non-Pacific leaders.
Speaking to a largely regional crowd of 4,000 attendees, Albanese—whose nation remains one of the world's premier exporters of liquefied natural gas—praised the intimate nature of the gathering. Despite invitations being sent to dozens of major global emitters, the near-total absence of G20 heads of state has allowed organizers to drastically streamline the traditional process of ignoring the Pacific's impending submersion.
For thirty years, our existential dread has been drowned out by the bustling crowds of European and North American delegations pretending to take notes. Thanks to this unprecedented boycott by the global north, our warnings of total ecological collapse will echo cleanly through the empty plenary hall.
The UN Framework Convention on Climate Change officially logged the diplomatic no-shows as a Scope 3 emissions reduction, noting that by refusing to fly to Fiji, major economies had successfully offset the carbon footprint of their apathy. The two non-Pacific officials who did make the trip are scheduled to politely nod through Wednesday's presentation on ocean acidification before their governments authorize a combined twelve new offshore drilling leases.
Albanese concluded his opening remarks by emphasizing the importance of regional solidarity, before excusing himself to review a finalized lease sale for a new coal terminal in Queensland ahead of Friday's corporate reporting deadline.