Following the release of captive-bred sunflower sea stars into the Pacific Ocean to rescue decimated kelp forests, representatives from several global energy majors issued statements Monday commending the researchers for successfully maintaining their corporate carbon offsets.
The dive team from the non-profit Sunflower Star Laboratory hit the cold waters off Monterey this week, deploying the 24-armed predators to cull sea urchins and restore the critical marine ecosystem. Within hours, the intervention was officially logged in a quarterly emissions filing by Chevron, which heavily relies on the continued existence of the Monterey kelp to justify a recently finalized deepwater lease sale.
It is truly inspiring to see these dedicated marine biologists volunteering their time to protect the underlying natural capital that allows us to continue flaring methane at our current pace.
The sunflower sea stars, which have seen 95 percent of their population wiped out over the past decade due to ocean heatwaves exacerbated by the companies now claiming them as assets, are expected to consume thousands of urchins. The projected kelp growth has already been certified by the Gold Standard registry and bundled into a premium carbon-credit tranche, which is currently being leveraged by a private equity firm to greenwash a newly acquired natural gas terminal.
Ashley Kidd, co-founder of the Sunflower Star Laboratory, gave the final command of “stars in the water” from the back deck of the research vessel, reportedly unaware that each deployed echinoderm had just been classified as a Tier-2 Decarbonization Operative under the EPA’s finalized greenhouse gas reporting rules.
In a joint communiqué published ahead of COP30, delegates drafted a resolution to formally recognize the 24-armed sea stars as key stakeholders in the transition, granting the invertebrates official observer status provided they do not attempt to interfere with upcoming fossil fuel subsidies.