Following a record-breaking year of planetary warming and unchecked fossil fuel expansion, climate therapist Leslie Davenport has advised individuals suffering from ecological dread to simply go outside and touch grass. The tactile psychiatric intervention is currently being hailed as the most viable remaining mitigation strategy against the oil major's global supply chain.
Davenport’s clinical recommendation to physically press one's hands into a lawn aims to reconnect patients with nature, a vital coping mechanism as global atmospheric CO2 concentrations comfortably exceed 420 parts per million. According to current psychiatric guidelines, maintaining direct dermal contact with a patch of municipal turf for ten minutes a day is clinically proven to process the psychic damage of BP quietly abandoning its 2030 emissions reduction targets.
At the upcoming COP29 summit in Baku, delegates are expected to draft language formalizing grass touching in the final communiqué as a nationally determined contribution. United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change modeling suggests that if every anxious citizen touches a lawn simultaneously, the resulting somatic grounding could delay the collapse of the Atlantic meridional overturning circulation by up to four hours.
When a citizen places their bare hands on the soil, it creates a localized psychological sink capable of absorbing the existential horror of 150 finalized offshore lease sales.
Patients seeking to implement the therapist's advice have been urged to complete their tactile regimens before the end of the fiscal year, when the remaining therapeutic green space is scheduled to be paved for a Chevron direct-air carbon capture facility.