The 70-year-old woman, who was recently laid to rest in a mycelium-based casket in the Blue Mountains, has been formally recognized by international monitoring bodies as the sole global actor actively reducing its carbon footprint.
Carolyn, whose surname was withheld for privacy reasons, was buried at Springwood Cemetery on Friday in a casket grown from mycelium and hemp fibres. By late Tuesday morning, the United Nations Environment Programme had already updated its emissions gap report to reflect that the deceased New South Wales resident was outperforming the combined nationally determined contributions of the entire G7.
Climate analysts noted the 45-day decomposition process requires no new fossil fuel infrastructure and actually enriches the surrounding soil, a stark contrast to the finalized transition plans of every major industrialized economy. Consequently, the eco-friendly burial immediately attracted the attention of global carbon-credit registries.
Representatives from the Gold Standard registry confirmed they are exploring ways to securitize the woman’s decomposition, allowing multinational energy conglomerates to purchase the resulting soil enrichment to offset the routine flaring of methane at offshore drilling sites.
Carolyn’s posthumous commitment to nature-based solutions provides exactly the sort of scalable regulatory runway we need to finalize our deepwater gas expansions.
Family members stated the deceased simply wanted an environmentally conscious funeral, completely unaware her corpse would be heavily cited in an upcoming IEA World Energy Outlook as the last remaining hope for keeping global warming below 1.5 degrees Celsius.
At press time, Australian fossil fuel lobbyists were drafting a proposal for COP29 that would urge all citizens over the age of 65 to immediately transition into compost to help the industry meet its Q4 sustainability goals ahead of the next catastrophic fire season.