Exhausted by a decades-long influx of redundant inquiries regarding basic planetary survival, the UN Environment Programme formally suspended negotiations Thursday to beg member states to simply read the frequently asked questions document on its homepage. The unusual directive was issued after multiple sovereign nations emailed the secretariat to ask if operating a new coal plant counts as a nature-based solution.
The breaking point reportedly occurred during a preparatory session for COP30, when a coalition of developed nations requested a three-day working group to define the word "emissions." According to internal agency logs, the exact definition, along with a bulleted list explaining why the ocean cannot absorb an infinite volume of industrial byproduct, has been available in a clickable drop-down menu since 1994.
We put a bright red banner on the portal and a hyperlink that literally says 'Start Here,' but delegations are still submitting 400-page policy frameworks asking if vaporizing the biosphere qualifies as a transition fuel.
The four-page PDF, which UNEP staff have reportedly begun printing out and sliding under hotel room doors, addresses the most common sovereign queries. Dedicated sections clarify that scope-three emissions do not disappear when a country stops tracking them, that purchasing a carbon offset does not physically remove smoke from the sky, and that the laws of thermodynamics cannot be amended in committee.
Several major emitters have already pushed back against the mandatory reading assignment. Representatives for Saudi Aramco and Exxon filed a joint grievance noting that the FAQ lacks necessary nuance, while U.S. negotiators complained that the document's strict formatting made it difficult to skim during bilateral dinners.
The agency noted that ahead of the next round of national climate disclosures in March, the submission portal will be gated by a simple captcha requiring diplomats to correctly identify which of six images depicts a habitable planet.