Gathering on the patio to reflect upon the legacy of their late patriarch, the Pendelton family was reportedly forced to watch as a $400 ornamental koi named in his honor sucked disappointingly at a patch of pond scum. The memorial brunch was entirely overshadowed by the wet, rhythmic popping noises echoing from the water garden.
Purchased in April to serve as a living, graceful tribute to Arthur Pendelton, the 18-inch Kohaku koi instead spent the duration of Sunday’s gathering aggressively mouthing a green biological film near the pond’s mechanical skimmer. Witnesses confirmed that whenever conversation turned to the late grandfather’s military service or his steady, quiet demeanor, the bright orange fish would breach the surface, distend its fleshy jaw, and repeatedly smack its lips against a floating clump of string algae.
Family members made several attempts to avert their eyes from the aquatic tribute as it aimlessly bumped its head into a plastic lily pad. According to those present, the stark contrast between the elder Pendelton—a stoic, sharply dressed accountant who provided for three children—and a slack-jawed carp vacuuming slime from a rubber liner made it increasingly difficult to mourn. The situation worsened when the fish spent four uninterrupted minutes trying to swallow a floating piece of oak mulch, spitting it out, and then immediately trying to swallow it again.
We always warn grieving families that Cyprinus rubrofuscus lacks the gravitas of a deceased loved one, largely because its primary ecological function is loudly slurping scum with a protruding upper lip.
Hoping to distract the namesake from the algae and restore a sense of dignity to the afternoon, the late man's eldest son reportedly threw a handful of premium wheat-germ pellets into the water. Rather than gliding gracefully toward the meal, the Arthur fish thrashed violently against a submerged thermometer, missed the food entirely, and began enthusiastically sucking on the side of a decorative ceramic frog.
At press time, the family had fallen into a heavy, uncomfortable silence as the majestic tribute to their beloved grandfather hovered motionless near the pond filter, slowly trailing a six-inch string of green excrement.