A Boer goat hired to clear an overgrown patch of English ivy spent the majority of its Tuesday shift staring critically at a local homeowner’s unevenly cut fescue. Witnesses confirmed the livestock repeatedly paused its chewing to direct withering, sideways glances toward a poorly maintained garden border.
Mark Corliss, 42, rented the two-year-old wether named Barnaby from a regional eco-landscaping service to handle a steep, weed-choked embankment in his backyard. However, shortly after being unspooled from his tether, the goat reportedly ignored the invasive kudzu. Instead, Barnaby walked over to the primary lawn to inspect a series of jagged, yellowing grass tips—the unmistakable result of a dull mower blade. Corliss noted that the animal let out a low, sustained bleat before slowly shaking its head at a neglected patch of crabgrass near the air conditioning condenser.
Barnaby has grazed on some of the most meticulously curated estates in the county, so he knows a rushed weekend trim job when he sees one.
By mid-afternoon, the tension in the yard had reportedly escalated. Neighbors observed Corliss standing defensively on his patio, loudly explaining to the chewing animal that the soil in the side yard was heavily compacted and that he had fully intended to aerate it this fall. Barnaby offered no response, opting instead to stare unblinkingly at an over-mulched dogwood tree while audibly grinding a mouthful of thistle with exaggerated slowness.
Corliss later admitted to retreating indoors and drawing the blinds after the goat spent ten straight minutes scrutinizing a crooked line of plastic landscape edging.
At press time, the rented livestock had finished clearing the ivy and was standing atop a retaining wall, gazing over the fence into the neighbor's yard with obvious, deep-seated approval.