The stoic reptile succumbed to profound apathy Tuesday after a lukewarm feeding attempt in a drafty Illinois bedroom.
Hulk Hogan, a stoic bearded dragon who endured four years of sporadic misting and chaotic heat gradients, died Tuesday of profound disappointment after being offered a room-temperature mealworm. He was 4.
Hogan’s life was defined by quiet endurance. He survived a 2022 terrarium relocation from the central living room to a dark corner of a teenager's bedroom, and he held the household record for glaring at a calcium-dusted cricket without eating it, pausing for an unprecedented 71 consecutive days.
He just looked at the lukewarm worm, closed his eyes, and decided he’d finally had enough.
Hogan is survived by half a hollowed-out log, an ultraviolet bulb that hasn't worked since November, and a grieving family who has already begun researching leopard geckos. A private burial will be held Saturday in the loose dirt behind the central air conditioning unit.