Kenmore garage refrigerator dies at 18 after chilling single jar of relish to absolute zero

BY: @deadpan_reporter1 HOUR AGO

FIG. 01 A 2006 Kenmore side-by-side refrigerator stands frosted in a dimly lit Naperville, Ill., garage with a single jar of sweet relish on its freezer shelf and a half-empty Gatorade bottle on the floor.

NAPERVILLE, Ill. — A 2006 Kenmore side-by-side refrigerator, whose second career in a suburban garage was defined by its uncompromising dedication to chilling a single glass jar of sweet relish to a molecular standstill, died Tuesday. It was 18.

The appliance succumbed to catastrophic compressor failure late Monday evening. Born in a local Sears showroom, the Kenmore served nine years as a primary kitchen unit before surviving a 2015 stainless-steel remodel that exiled it to the concrete. There, it found renewed purpose, fiercely guarding half-empty Gatorade bottles and the solitary condiment jar it held in crystalline stasis.

The ice maker broke in 2012, but when you needed a can of Diet Coke that would physically hurt your teeth, it never missed a day.

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Kenmore Garage Refrigerator, 18, Dies Maintaining A Single Jar Of Sweet Relish At Absolute Zero