The four-year-old duck successfully defended the strip mall's premier pothole against seagulls, pedestrians, and July weather.
SCHAUMBURG, Ill. — Frank, a mallard duck who fiercely governed a 30-square-foot asphalt puddle outside the Cloud 9 Vape Shop, died Tuesday following a territorial dispute with a reversing Ford F-150. He was 4.
Born in a retention pond behind a Target, Frank rose to prominence in 2022 when he successfully led a flock across four lanes of active traffic to secure the strip mall's prime breeding ground. During his two-year reign over the pothole, he valiantly defended discarded French fries from gulls, successfully claimed three dropped vape cartridges, and aggressively hissed at over 400 startled pedestrians.
He fought every day to ensure that murky, oil-slicked water was ours, even when it completely evaporated in July.
He is survived by his primary mate, 14 estranged ducklings, and a half-eaten hotdog bun he buried near the dumpster. In lieu of flowers, the flock asks that patrons stop parking in their ancestral splash zone.