During a somber visitation service for a beloved local grandfather, a distant relative reportedly derailed the condolence line Tuesday evening to enthusiastically praise the aggressively beige wallpaper lining the mortuary's parlor.
Witnesses confirmed that Gary Hobert, 58, approached the open casket of his late brother-in-law but immediately became captivated by the heavy-duty vinyl wall covering. Rather than offering customary sympathies to the grieving widow, Hobert paused halfway through a hug to run his hand along the textured surface, loudly asking the bereaved if she happened to know whether the soothing oatmeal-colored damask was pre-pasted or required a separate adhesive application.
As a queue of weeping relatives backed up into the foyer, Hobert reportedly spent nearly four minutes attempting to locate a seam in the drywall. Ignoring the soft organ music and hushed tones of the mourning hall, the insurance adjuster took several steps back to admire the room, enthusiastically noting to a sobbing niece that the subtle taupe leaf motif really opened up the space and was an incredibly practical, wipe-clean choice for a high-traffic bereavement area.
I have seen people process devastating emotional loss in many unpredictable ways, but this is the first time a guest has halted a eulogy to ask me for a commercial distributor's SKU number.
After failing to peel back a corner near the floral arrangements to check the backing material, Hobert finally moved out of the primary condolence line. He spent the remainder of the evening's prayer vigil seated in the back row, audibly knocking on the parlor's folding chairs to determine if they were constructed from solid oak or just a very convincing composite veneer.