Diane Plump died Tuesday afternoon following a tense, 45-minute confrontation with a low-hanging altocumulus cloud she deemed highly suspicious.
ASTORIA, Ore. — Diane Plump, 58, a decorated neighborhood watch captain who secured her cul-de-sac against countless perceived threats, died Tuesday following a tense standoff with a low-hanging altocumulus cloud she deemed highly suspicious.
Plump patrolled Elmhurst Avenue for two decades, earning a reputation for unyielding vigilance. She successfully deterred three lost delivery drivers, cataloged 400 municipal code violations regarding grass height, and held the county record for longest sustained binocular surveillance of an open garage. First responders found Plump rigid in her driveway, having succumbed to exposure while demanding the water vapor identify itself.
She died doing what she loved, which was refusing to break eye contact with an amorphous shape she felt didn't belong in our zip code.
She is survived by her husband, two adult children who know better than to visit unannounced, and a laminated binder containing the license plate numbers of every vehicle that has ever turned around in her driveway. Services will be held Thursday behind partially drawn curtains.