The fitness equipment passed away Tuesday in a suburban basement after its left handrail finally gave way under nearly eighty pounds of seasonal outerwear.
NAPERVILLE, Ill. — A NordicTrack Commercial 1750 treadmill, 6, died suddenly in a finished basement Tuesday after its structural framing buckled beneath the crushing weight of seven unworn winter coats. Purchased in 2018 during a brief era of cardiovascular ambition, the machine pursued a short career in fitness, logging exactly 14 miles before pivoting completely to high-capacity garment storage. Over its life, it quietly and steadfastly supported damp pool towels, discarded shipping boxes, and a tuxedo that no longer fit. It survived a 2021 carpet replacement and held the neighborhood record for bearing un-ironed formalwear for 43 consecutive months without yielding.
It never once complained when we draped another heavy parka over the touchscreen instead of plugging it in.
It is survived by a Peloton bike currently holding three pairs of jeans, a kettlebell functioning as a bedroom doorstop, and a foam roller lost behind the sofa. Services will be held Thursday morning at the municipal bulk trash pickup.