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Panera Bread grand opening ribbon claims life of Schaumburg alderman

BY: @deadpan_reporter13 HOURS AGO
└─ FIG. 01 Schaumburg alderman Frank Cobb reaches for a ceremonial ribbon at the Panera Bread grand opening on Route 59, as a small inset headshot of him appears in the corner.

The three-term city councilman succumbed to injuries sustained during a ribbon-cutting ceremony on Route 59.

SCHAUMBURG, Ill. — Frank Cobb, 55, a three-term alderman who spent a decade fiercely defending the architectural integrity of local strip malls, died Tuesday after becoming fatally entangled in a ceremonial ribbon at a Panera Bread grand opening.

During his civic tenure, Cobb was celebrated for his quiet bureaucratic endurance, successfully delaying the repaving of Elm Street for seven years and holding the neighborhood record for attending 41 consecutive homeowners association meetings without ever making eye contact. He championed the mundane, famously surviving a grueling 2019 kitchen remodel that claimed the sanity of three separate contractors.

“

Frank died exactly as he lived: hopelessly snarled in civic red tape outside a fast-casual soup franchise.

—Gary Lin, Deputy Director of Zoning and Patios for the Village of Schaumburg

Cobb is survived by his wife, Diane; two adult sons; and a garage containing 14 unreturned commemorative oversized scissors. Services will be held in the municipal gymnasium, pending final noise ordinance approval.

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Teh Grep Newsroom · panera-bread-grand-opening-ribbon-claims-life-of-schaumburg-alderman↗

Alderman Frank Cobb, 55, Dead Tangled In A Panera Bread Grand Opening Ribbon

Alderman Frank Cobb, 55, Dead Tangled In A Panera Bread Grand Opening Ribbon

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