A local man has formally petitioned a circulation desk with a heavily footnoted legal brief seeking immediate injunctive relief from a 40-cent penalty. The filing argues that the library’s book-drop mechanisms constitute an attractive nuisance and claims extreme financial prejudice.
COLUMBUS, Ohio — Local resident David Hembree, 34, approached the main branch’s returns desk on Thursday morning to serve a 74-page writ of certiorari regarding the belated return of a lightly stained copy of Rick Steves' Italy 2018. According to staff present at the time, Hembree bypassed the standard coin-operated fine terminal and instead slid a professionally bound, spiral-spined dossier across the laminate counter. The filing demands the immediate dismissal of two days' worth of overdue charges, arguing that the library's standardized late fee schedule represents an unconstitutional bill of attainder.
The document, which relies heavily on a 1913 Ohio Supreme Court ruling regarding municipal grain silos, asserts that Hembree was physically barred from fulfilling his loan contract by an "act of God." Specifically, the brief cites a light drizzle on Monday evening that allegedly rendered the 15-foot walk from his Honda Civic to the after-hours return slot "unduly hazardous to both life and paperback." The filing further alleges that the library’s automated reminder emails violated Hembree's Fourth Amendment protections against unreasonable search and seizure by electronically perceiving his failure to return the travel guide.
While we appreciate the extensive section detailing his theory of sovereign immunity, our system physically will not let him check out the new James Patterson thriller until his account balance drops below ten dollars, which it already is.
Hembree has reportedly requested an en banc hearing before the library’s volunteer board of trustees, filing a secondary motion of discovery to obtain three years of maintenance logs for the book drop’s metal hinge. At press time, a teenage page was seen silently placing Hembree’s legal filing into a plastic sorting bin marked "Summer Reading Program" before asking if he wanted a receipt for his four dimes.