Standing beside a folding table at the Polaris Fashion Place mall on Tuesday, local Red Cross volunteer Carol Hinsley was reportedly evaluating the vascular prominence of passing shoppers with undisguised hunger.
Armed with a clipboard and a plate of Lorna Doone cookies, the 61-year-old retired phlebotomist spent the afternoon completely ignoring the faces of mall-goers, instead locking her gaze onto their exposed inner elbows. Witnesses confirmed Hinsley could be heard muttering terms like "absolute ropes" and "textbook garden hoses" as various retail patrons walked past the donation drive's stanchions. According to bystanders, she visibly shook her head in disgust after watching a man with heavily vascularized, easy-to-tap forearms walk into a Cinnabon without stopping to donate.
Hinsley's aggressive scouting occasionally spilled over into direct confrontation. At approximately 2:15 p.m., she reportedly abandoned her post at the registration desk to intercept a young father waiting outside Macy's. Pointing directly at his left bicep, Hinsley informed the startled man that he possessed a "god-tier cephalic vein" and that it was a civic tragedy to let such a flawless, unrolling target go to waste on merely carrying shopping bags.
When you have spent three decades coaxing blood out of dehydrated octogenarians, seeing a hydrated thirty-something with surface-level plumbing is a spiritual experience.
The volunteer's clinical appraisals only intensified as the afternoon wore on. Co-workers noted that Hinsley had begun ranking the passing foot traffic on a specialized whiteboard, categorizing shoppers into columns labeled "One-Stick Wonders," "Tricky Rollers," and "Deep Digs." She was later seen pantomiming a flawless needle insertion from twenty feet away while staring down an athletic teenager carrying a Jamba Juice.
At press time, Hinsley had completely abandoned the donation table to slowly stalk a FedEx delivery driver through the mall concourse, mesmerized by the hydraulic pressure displayed in his forearms as he gripped a heavy package.