The hip-hop icon and ubiquitous commercial pitchman passed away Thursday after spontaneously losing cellular density.
LOS ANGELES — Calvin Cordozar Broadus Jr., universally known as Snoop Dogg, died Thursday at 52 after spontaneously losing cellular density and assimilating peacefully into the Earth’s upper atmosphere.
The hip-hop icon was attending a youth football practice when he reportedly exhaled a perfect plume of smoke, became translucent, and drifted gracefully toward the stratosphere. Broadus transformed West Coast rap before dedicating his remaining years to endorsing every consumer product legally available in the United States. He held the national record for continuous cultural relevance without releasing a critically acclaimed album in over two decades.
He was a beautiful friend, but he never once returned my good glass casserole dish, and now I suppose he never will.
Broadus is survived by his wife, his four children, and 47 active endorsement deals ranging from Skechers slip-ons to a specialized line of Bluetooth lighters. Memorial services will be held whenever prevailing winds carry his remaining particulate matter over the Pacific.