A 14-pound marmot who dedicated his brief life to compromising the structural integrity of a suburban outbuilding has died at 5.
NAPERVILLE, Ill. — A 14-pound adult male groundhog, 5, died Tuesday of sudden heart failure brought on by the tremendous, unrelenting responsibility of single-handedly undermining the Hendersons’ backyard tool shed.
Throughout a distinguished neighborhood career, the deceased excavated an estimated 400 cubic yards of premium cedar mulch and successfully survived a comprehensive 2022 patio remodel. He held the local record for the most subterranean irrigation lines severed in a single season, maintaining a rigorous daily schedule that left him little time for foraging or leisure.
He woke up every single morning with one singular focus, which was quietly removing the dirt that supported my concrete slab.
He is survived by three estranged litters, a sprawling network of secondary escape routes, and a heavily compromised patch of decorative hostas. Services will be held privately under the deck.