The beloved hymenopteran spent his life hovering exactly at eye level near a cedar pergola, tirelessly harassing anything that cast a shadow.
Bartholomew, a fiercely territorial Eastern carpenter bee, 2, was killed instantly on Tuesday upon successfully executing a high-velocity, kamikaze-style headbutt into the sunglasses of a local United States Postal Service courier.
The beloved hymenopteran spent his distinguished, highly aggressive life hovering exactly at eye level near the Miller family’s cedar pergola. He was widely respected in the local ecosystem for his relentless, completely unprovoked harassment of anything that moved, holding the neighborhood record for successfully driving off three Amazon delivery contractors, a stray golden retriever, and the homeowner’s leaf blower in a single afternoon.
He spent his entire adult life aggressively hovering two inches from people's faces for absolutely no logical reason, and he died exactly as he lived.
Bartholomew is survived by 400 identical, wood-boring larvae currently digesting inside the porch joists, and a faint yellow smudge on a certified mail envelope.