Woman braces for arrest after DMV website updates address on first try

"There was no endless loop of selecting crosswalks in a CAPTCHA, no unskippable video on driving safety, and absolutely no internal server error," said Higgins’ roommate, David Chen, who returned home to find her staring blankly at her laptop screen long after the transaction had concluded. "She just kept refreshing the page and muttering that they didn't even ask for her mother's maiden name. She was sweating. I've never seen her so scared."

The sheer, violent efficiency of the government portal left Higgins deeply unsettled. Seeking the familiar, grounding sensation of administrative punishment, she immediately logged into her Chase Bank account to update her file there. According to internet history records, the financial institution’s server accepted the new zip code without demanding secondary two-factor authentication via a landline she hasn't owned since 2009. The entire process took eighteen seconds.

Desperate for friction, Higgins then attempted to update her address in her employer’s HR portal, Workday—a software suite internationally recognized for trapping users in recursive loops of overlapping permissions. Yet, for reasons that continue to elude cybersecurity experts, the system accepted the change with a single click and automatically notified her payroll department without generating a single IT support ticket.

The psychological toll of the frictionless Tuesday has only compounded as the week progresses. Higgins has reportedly spent the last three days convinced that the government is merely biding its time, setting a trap that will culminate in her eventual arrest for mail fraud. Friends say she has been leaving her porch light on and jumping at the sound of approaching postal trucks, fully expecting an armed federal task force to burst through her door and demand proof of residency via a notarized water bill from the Bush administration.

Mental health professionals note that "bureaucratic whiplash" is an increasingly common phenomenon as legacy institutions sporadically modernize their web infrastructure without adequately warning the populace. Patients often experience acute imposter syndrome, feeling as though they have not truly earned their new zip code if they did not have to mail a physical money order to a PO Box in a different time zone. Higgins’ mother reportedly suggested she just enjoy the free time, a suggestion Higgins rejected as "dangerously naive," arguing that the universe always extracts its administrative toll eventually.

At press time, Higgins was reportedly beginning to relax as an automated Comcast chat assistant successfully trapped her in an infinite loop demanding a nine-digit PIN she has never possessed.