The Food and Drug Administration issued a nationwide recall Tuesday for a popular over-the-counter dietary supplement, citing severe misbranding and a failure to disclose its nature as a binding contract with the abyss. Regulators noted the product fails to meet federal guidelines for soul-forfeiture agreements.
The Class I recall targets "Abyssal Covenant," a daily supplement manufactured by holistic wellness brand SunAura and widely distributed in the vitamin aisles of CVS and Walgreens. According to FDA filings, the product—which requires consumers to slice their palms and press their blood against a cursed parchment to achieve optimal joint health—was improperly marketed under the Dietary Supplement Health and Education Act of 1994. Agency inspectors found the packaging lacked mandatory warnings about eternal damnation and failed to list trace amounts of brimstone in its active ingredients.
Industry advocates immediately criticized the administration’s ruling as a burdensome federal overreach. The Council for Responsible Nutrition released a statement Wednesday morning defending the pact as a traditional homeopathic remedy, arguing that millions of Americans rely on dark rituals of servitude to manage mild osteoarthritis and afternoon fatigue without resorting to prescription pharmaceuticals.
Our regulatory framework requires that any supplement promising to render the user's flesh impervious to earthly weapons must clearly state the exact demonic entity assuming ownership of their soul on the nutritional panel.
The recall has already triggered scrutiny on Capitol Hill, where lawmakers accused the administration of stifling innovation in the alternative medicine sector. Sources close to the House Energy and Commerce Committee confirmed that several prominent members, having already pledged their firstborn children to an ancient deity in exchange for favorable polling in the midterms, plan to hold hearings investigating the FDA's regulatory bottleneck.
At press time, the agency advised consumers who have already signed the parchment in their own blood to immediately discontinue use and return the empty box to their local pharmacy for a full refund, though officials clarified the $24.99 store credit would not void the forfeiture of their immortal souls.