A 43-page messaging directive circulated by the Republican National Committee this week strictly forbids the acknowledgment of unleaded gasoline, advising vulnerable incumbents to instead stare into the middle distance and recount a terrifying scenario provided in the appendix.
The strategy document, obtained by reporters late Tuesday, outlines a nationwide messaging apparatus designed to ensure voters remain entirely focused on a rotating slate of highly curated cultural resentments, rather than the cost of unleaded crude or the ongoing existence of the party's own presidential nominee. According to sources close to leadership, the caucus has recognized that its strongest electoral path relies on a disciplined, unified refusal to engage with the material conditions of the American electorate.
"When a constituent asks about the price at the pump, the most effective response is to immediately describe a shadowy cabal of educators attempting to replace their children's vital organs," read a section of the talking points distributed to congressional chiefs of staff, which cautioned that any candidate who inadvertently mentions the 45th president will have their campaign funding abruptly redirected to a super PAC tasked with monitoring the gender identity of animated candy mascots.
Our internal modeling shows that suburban swing voters are deeply anxious about their grocery bills, which is why it is absolutely vital that our candidates respond to those anxieties by vividly describing a cartel of radical librarians.
The tactical shift was extensively workshopped during a closed-door meeting on Capitol Hill last week, where senior aides evaluated lawmakers on their ability to seamlessly transition from a question about the Consumer Price Index to a sustained, unblinking monologue about a heavily armed migrant caravan that currently exists only on a whiteboard in Arlington. By Thursday afternoon, several vulnerable incumbents had already begun implementing the guidance, successfully neutralizing reporters' questions regarding Donald Trump by calmly explaining that the former president was a media fabrication designed to distract the public from the creeping threat of solar panels.