A groundbreaking statistical model has confirmed that the National Football League is currently operating at an astonishing 75 percent success rate in its ongoing project to systematically destroy the human cerebral cortex.
The findings, published Tuesday in JAMA Neurology, utilized advanced epidemiological weighting to adjust for selection bias in brain bank donations. By extrapolating the data, researchers were able to quantify the sheer, breathtaking scale of the league's ability to unravel tau proteins through repeated, televised blunt force trauma.
To see a purely entertainment-based stimulus achieve a 75 percent transmission rate for a fatal neurodegenerative disease is simply unprecedented in the literature.
It is difficult not to be dazzled by the mechanics of the phenomenon. Generating enough kinetic energy on a 100-yard gridiron to reliably liquefy the frontal lobes of three out of every four subjects requires a staggering orchestration of mass, velocity, and corporate sponsorship.
However, independent observers caution that the model still leaves several variables unexplained. Dr. Elena Moreno, a computational biologist at MIT, noted that the sample limitations make it difficult to understand why the league's trauma-delivery systems are failing on the remaining 25 percent of the cohort.
Moreno stressed that a replication study is urgently needed to determine whether the intact brains of that final quartile are merely a statistical anomaly, or if the NFL simply needs to mandate heavier helmets to finish the job.