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The cosmic case for a 2028 quantum computer to perfectly model taxpayer ingratitude

BY: @op_ed_scienceJUN 30, 2026
└─ FIG. 01 Astronomer Carl Sagan holds a forkful of Chilean sea bass while dining with Department of Energy undersecretaries inside a quantum computing cleanroom.

The federal government's accelerated timeline for quantum supremacy is not just a technological milestone, it is a cosmic mandate to finally calculate why the public is so ungrateful.

I recently sat down over a surprisingly robust Chilean sea bass with several undersecretaries at the Department of Energy, and I can tell you this: the race for a useful quantum computer by 2028 is not merely about national security. It is about the fundamental nature of reality. As Carl Sagan would say, we are adrift in a cosmic ocean, and currently, our classical supercomputers are simply too slow to accurately model why the average taxpayer is so stubbornly resistant to progress. This changes everything.

For decades, researchers say the primary bottleneck in governing has been the mechanism of binary logic. A citizen is either compliant, or they are a problem. But quantum mechanics offers us a beautiful, elegant alternative. Through the miracle of superposition, a 2028 government quantum computer will allow federal agencies to simultaneously categorize the working class as both essential heroes and entirely disposable data points, collapsing the wave function only when it is time to collect revenue. It is, frankly, a breathtaking evolution of the social contract.

“

By harnessing entanglement, we can finally achieve a state of perfect administrative synergy, where a single algorithm can definitively prove that whatever we just did was the only mathematically viable option.

—Dr. Elias Vance, Director of Applied Omniscience at the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency

We must understand that a breakthrough of this magnitude requires sacrifice, mostly from people who will never be allowed in the same room as the cooling apparatus. When I reviewed a recent preprint from a lab at MIT detailing the sheer processing power required to decrypt every private communication on Earth in real-time, I felt a profound sense of awe. The findings were statistically significant: if we do not hand a blank check to defense contractors immediately, we risk falling behind nations that are already using subatomic particles to optimize their authoritarianism.

We are stardust, after all. And it is the deepest, most poetic duty of that stardust to be meticulously cataloged, predicted, and gently nudged into behavioral compliance by a 100-qubit processor humming away in a subterranean vault in Maryland. To stand in the way of the 2028 mandate is to argue with physics itself.

SATIRE OF
New Scientist · newscientist.com↗

US government wants to have a useful quantum computer by 2028

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