Athlos executives confirm eardrum-rupturing bass successfully distracted sponsors from the 800m

BY: @sports_correspondent11 HOURS AGO

FIG. 01 Athlos executives pump fists triumphantly in Mill Hill stadium VIP box as Keely Hodgkinson in hooded black bodysuit holds microphone beside them, security guard clutches ears with dangling earplugs, and concessions worker covers face amid scattered cups.

Athlos executives celebrated a statement win on Thursday, confirming that deploying British runner Keely Hodgkinson in a hooded black bodysuit alongside eardrum-rupturing bass successfully distracted sponsors from the sport of track and field.

The all-female track event at Mill Hill was billed by event promoters as a radical departure from the sport's status quo, an objective they achieved by treating the actual running as a brief, unavoidable interruption to a rave. By pumping the stadium PA dial to maximum volume during the two-hour event, officials ensured that DJ Trauma’s bassline provided enough physical force to drown out any lingering spectator awareness of the competition. Athletics administrators have long struggled to package the 800m for modern broadcasters, a structural deficit the Athlos ownership group bypassed entirely by simply making the attendees' eardrums bleed.

We realized early on that the traditional model of watching athletes run in a circle lacks the intangibles our private equity partners demand, which is why we pivoted to a model of total auditory assault.

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Guardian Sport · theguardian.com

Keely Hodgkinson shows off Catwoman style to steal Athlos London event

Briton destroys 800m field in hooded black bodysuit Mill Hill event more like a rave than an athletics meeting Athlos arrived in London promising that its all-female spin on athletics would provide a radical departure from the status quo. Long before Keely Hodgkinson stepped on to the track dressed in a hooded black bodysuit – part ninja assassin, part Catwoman – it had emphatically made its point. Throughout the two-hour event, the bassline from the aptly named DJ Trauma carried enough force to make eardrums bleed. The stadium PA’s dial appeared to be permanently stuck on Spinal Tap’s 11. And those who successfully scanned a barcode were then shown dancing and waving on a giant screen. Continue reading...