Despite witnessing a flawless, text-book offensive clinic during the bottom of the fourth inning on Tuesday night, local casual fan Brian Hovis reportedly derived absolutely zero joy from the Philadelphia Phillies’ historic nine-run rally. The 34-year-old was observed checking his watch repeatedly as the home team strung together six consecutive two-out hits.
PHILADELPHIA — Hovis, who attended the divisional matchup on a vendor’s corporate ticket, spent the entirety of the 42-minute half-inning staring blankly at the out-of-town scoreboard. While the Citizens Bank Park crowd erupted over a masterful sequence of disciplined at-bats, full-count walks, and opposite-field singles that chased two Atlanta Braves relievers, Hovis was observed letting out a deep, sustained sigh when Kyle Schwarber stepped into the box for his second plate appearance of the frame.
Analysts noted that Hovis entirely failed the eye test when it came to appreciating situational baseball. Instead of marveling at the Phillies’ elite plate discipline and ability to grind out competitive at-bats, the area sales manager was reportedly just doing the math on how late he would be getting back to the New Jersey suburbs. Witnesses confirmed he openly groaned when an RBI double extended the inning, muttering that the pitcher was literally throwing the game away while completely ignoring the home team's brilliant execution of small ball.
While Commissioner Rob Manfred has championed recent rule changes to appease casual viewers, league officials conceded that such measures cannot prevent a lineup from simply putting the ball in play.
We implemented the pitch clock specifically to keep guys like Brian engaged, but there is frankly nothing the league office can do when a franchise decides to put on a masterclass in gap-to-gap hitting.
At press time, Hovis was seen enthusiastically cheering after a Phillies batter grounded into an inning-ending double play, turning to his coworker to loudly praise the catastrophic offensive failure as finally being some good defense.