Promising a paradigm shift in how Central Texans will eventually continue to sit in Interstate 35 traffic, The Boring Company formally announced its intention on Tuesday to completely abandon a proposed high-speed Hyperloop between Austin and San Antonio by 2028.
AUSTIN, TX — During a developer keynote, CEO Elon Musk unveiled a breathtaking series of computer-generated environments detailing exactly what the underground transit system will look like before the company quietly deletes all mention of it from its corporate website. The proposed 80-mile vacuum tube is slated to carry zero passengers at theoretical speeds of up to 700 miles per hour, cementing the firm’s dominance in the highly competitive sector of municipal infrastructure announcements.
Analysts noted the Austin-San Antonio corridor is uniquely positioned to host a massive, heavily subsidized dirt trench that remains completely empty for six years before being repurposed as a private sewer line. Internal documents from the presentation indicate the project will require an estimated $400 million in preliminary feasibility studies to determine exactly which neighborhoods will be temporarily disrupted by the non-existent construction.
The firm has already begun taking non-refundable $50 deposits for branded novelty items to fund the necessary environmental reviews for the dirt that will never be moved.
We’ve learned a tremendous amount from not building the Chicago airport express line, and we plan to apply those first principles here at scale.
To bridge the gap between the initial visionary pitch and the inevitable collapse in municipal funding, Musk confirmed the company will open a brief interim phase in 2031. This pilot program will consist of a single paved basement beneath a New Braunfels strip mall, where an independent contractor will drive a 2024 Tesla Model Y at 22 miles per hour while a single passenger manually holds the door shut.