The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention opened state ordering for updated COVID-19 vaccines on Tuesday, clarifying that a mysterious weeks-long delay was the result of a protracted standoff over standard delivery charges.
Health department representatives, who previously characterized the holdup as a result of "not yet finalized procurement decisions," admitted that the decision in question involved leaving 150 million doses sitting in an online checkout portal for three weeks. Officials reportedly kept closing the tab and reopening it in Incognito mode to see if Pfizer would email them a 10 percent off coupon for abandoning their cart.
When you are authorizing billions of dollars in taxpayer funds, you don't just eat the expedited shipping fee without at least trying to haggle with the customer service chatbot.
The delay left state health departments unable to schedule fall vaccination clinics, though federal officials defended the timeline by noting they had successfully used a browser extension to test over 4,000 invalid promo codes. Moderna reportedly offered free shipping if the CDC added a travel-size hand sanitizer to the order to meet a minimum threshold, a compromise the agency ultimately rejected on principal.
The CDC confirmed the order has finally been submitted, though the agency opted for the free five-to-eight business day ground option. The life-saving immunizations are now expected to arrive battered in a single oversized cardboard box whenever the FedEx driver feels like leaving them on the loading dock.