Following a protracted and exhausting battle to maintain basic linguistic standards, the prestigious reference publisher has officially capitulated to the internet. The institution announced Tuesday it has relinquished all remaining authority over the English vocabulary by accepting 1,400 new terms, including "wordsmaxxing" and "cuffing season."
At a somber press conference outside the publisher’s Springfield headquarters, visibly fatigued dictionary staff confirmed they will no longer attempt to gatekeep the lexicon against teenagers. The latest update, which forces classically trained etymologists to treat "glow-up" with the same academic reverence as the Magna Carta, marks the end of a decades-long siege against digital illiteracy. Employees reportedly worked through the weekend to codify the exact spelling and part of speech for a series of grunts and prefixes currently popular on TikTok.
We spent two centuries meticulously tracking the evolution of Proto-Indo-European root structures, and this morning I had to write a formal pronunciation guide for a word that ends in 'maxxing'.
The 1,400-word update includes detailed phonetic transcriptions for terms that were invented by algorithmic accident less than six months ago. Analysts noted the dictionary’s editorial board simply lacked the manpower to continue fighting a losing war of attrition against Twitch streamers, lifestyle influencers, and casual dining menus. The inclusion of the pepper "shishito," for example, was reportedly approved by an exhausted intern who could no longer endure the daily barrage of culinary emails demanding recognition.
At press time, Merriam-Webster executives were seen quietly removing a portrait of founder Noah Webster from the main lobby, replacing it with a blank whiteboard where passing teenagers can simply write whatever new syllables they want recognized by the federal government.